Cancer cells love cheese

Well shit. I didn't intend for this to turn into a cancer blog, which frankly sounds a little tiresome and played out and possibly self-indulgent, but then again, I didn't expect to get a cancer diagnosis either. So, for now, here we are.

I was told yesterday that I have cancer on my tongue. This is not what I was hoping to hear obviously although it certainly helps explain why the sore place on my tongue didn't go away for almost a year. I suppose in some small way I am grateful to know what it is. On the other hand, fuck that. I'm 37 and I would have been happy to wait 30 or so more years before dealing with something like this. That's not how it's going to go. I get this now.

I have been telling everyone I know because I firmly believe that the love and light I receive from my family, friends, and community will be my shelter, in addition to whatever probably horrible and trying medical interventions there will be. It's a little selfish but I want everyone to be praying and holding me in the light. Everyone, all the time.

I was talking to a friend tonight whose cousin just completed his treatment for tongue cancer and it sounded pretty awful for him: surgery to remove the cancer and to transplant some muscle from his shoulder into his tongue; loss of appetite and the ability to taste anything (which evidently returns to some degree); having a feeding tube for months; salivary glands destroyed by radiation; lots of pain. There's not much to look forward to in that list, although it could be pleasant to lose a little weight. However when faced with the specter of all this, going to the gym doesn't sound so bad after all by comparison. But that ship has sailed now hasn't it.

Anyway, since I found out yesterday, I'm still pretty numb and just letting myself be in the present. Part of my present includes muscle relaxers, tylenol 3 and tequila, but that's just fine for now. Numb is nice. The rest is just allowing myself to be on the roller coaster and ride the emotions however they come. It's less crazy than it sounds. It's actually nice to just give myself permission to feel however and not try to justify feelings away, or deny them, or fight them.

Everyone is very supportive, especially Jason who is an incredible, steady, loving partner and friend. I feel very lucky. Well, and a little like I don't deserve to have cancer, so a little unlucky as well. But lucky to have Jason at least.